List things you know to be absolutely certain.

I know the world doesn’t care how you feel. It won’t stop for you. I know that I am amazing. Amazing, and beautiful, and I don’t need to change for anyone. I know I’ll figure out who I am soon, and everything will be okay. I know that if I need my opinion to be heard, it’s my responsibility to do so. No one is going to stop and ask me how I feel about a situation. I know that I am truly blessed. Blessed with a relatively solid family and blessed with nice things. I know I have a lot more than others do.  I know that every living creature dies alone, and I should start getting used to it. I will die alone. And in the meantime, I’ll spend more time alone.

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Take a peek into the darkness

Karma.

Surrounded by complete and total imbusiles. While your small mind is laughing at something you did to hurt one another, the tally is going up. Growing bigger and bigger. Karma comes into play for this; the higher your number is, the more you’ll suffer. It’ll catch up to oneself someday and your feet wont be able to outrun you from the impending misery coming for you. For all the time I wasted trying to be good for you, you will recieve your karma. You will burn in your own shame for the evil you commited. I hope it’s worth it for one day you’ll be able to be understand the crimes you commited. I will never come to know why you chose these actions of hate, but that will not matter one day. And i’ll wait for as long as I need to, to watch you suffer alone.

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When all your friends have come and gone.

the days are getting a little easier. it’s becoming easier to breathe. but no part of me wants to leave this bed. i keep listening to City & Colour because the lyrics speak so beautifully to me. and all i want to do is cry. but why? i think i think about Dustin sometimes. it’s very subconscious and i pay no attention to it, because i know that i’m the only one that still thinks of us. i don’t miss him. i don’t miss the bullshit and the pain i experienced. i miss the good us. and i miss being in love. it was so nice to have someone to talk to, text, flirt and have a hand to hold. i felt so safe in his arms that it was ridiculous. but i don’t ever see it happening again. i don’t see myself happy with someone. it seems impossible at this time in my life. and i’ve grown to accept that. that’s fine, whatever. but it’d be nice. i can hear it in the background of this song before i drift away. i think i’m drifting. i’m not sure where i’m drifting to, but i know it’s probably somewhere better than here. it’s not even the town, it’s the people. just go away, everyone. i have about 4 friends i talk to daily. and i could go without talking to all of them for a day and not even notice. that doesn’t change my love for them, i just know i can probably be content with myself. maybe. but i’m not sure if i’m strong enough for that. i know i could be – i’m just not sure if i am. i miss love. but i do not miss those feelings of inadequacy and pain. pain not controlled by me. but see – i have this problem. i see the best in everyone. which has just come to bite me in the ass lately. well, as long as i can remember. i’m still wanting the approval, i just no longer need it. this job is the only thing keeping me alive and breathing. i’ll drown myself in money and hopefully i’ll be happy. because as many people that say “money can’t buy happiness”, it’s bullshit. money CAN buy temporary happiness. and happiness is happiness, right?

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truth.

“The greatest battle is not physical but psychological. The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good. They must always be answered by the quiet but steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage. We all suffer. Keep going.”

- Graeme Fife

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i looked into the mirror today

and i got goosebumps.

i was disgusted with who i am now.

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where’d you go?

 

what the fuck happened? you left. after we made plans. what did i do? i’m not quite sure what i thought it was, but i thought you were supposed to be my knight in shining armor? my birthday is the day after tommorow and i was going to use my birthday money to get to you. but never mind. i wouldn’t want to inconvenience you. i am angry. i am clueless now. but whatever, all good things must end. i’m probably way too cool anyway. i’ll stifle the anger.

so i guess this is good bye? geez, i suck at good bye’s. they’re the worst.


 

 

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the game plan.

i finally figured out what it was. i put it into words. i realized that i haven’t felt alive since she died. it’s been almost 3 years. it doesn’t feel like that. that’s ridiculous. it hasn’t been three years, has it? it has.

since that day, i feel as if my life has been one big fucked up dream. and i can’t seem to wake up. wake up, beth. wake up. she’s dead. no she’s not, she’s out of town. no beth, she’s dead. i will not believe what you say, i know she wouldn’t just leave me all alone like that.

morgan told me about this dream she had.

she said that it was almost as if she was in the back seat, but she wasn’t. we didn’t see her. she said my car slid into the highway and then all of the sudden, things went paused and tara looked at me and said, “don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault. i love you, everything will be okay.” i don’t even know how to begin to react to that dream. AND the night before she died, she put her status on myspace as ‘just tara. has died” she knew something was going to happen. she knew it was coming. but why?

she was my guardian angel. she still is. i wear this locket around my neck for you, pretty baby. you’re always with me.

how does one correctly deal with death? how do i mourn the death of someone i don’t believe is dead.

and it’s as if i’m stuck in this dream state. constantly. i do not feel alive. i remember what it was like to be alive. colors were more vibrant. things were better. i was happier. but then, i was changed. i was so nice, i was so kind and outgoing and i was changed into a bitter, confused, broken girl. where’s the karma in that?

i thought if i lived right, then i’d be okay. i lived right. i was so nice. and yet, it’s been a constant fuck ever since.

i’m just so confused. but now, i make a game plan. i’ll finally ask for the help i was afraid to ask for. i’ll get this figured out. i want to wake up and start living. if i can’t be in heaven with her, then i can at least live happily for her. give her something to watch.

and in the meantime, i am learning to be happy with just myself. i don’t need all you shitbags. you people have only caused me pain. undeserved fucking pain. i’ll get the hell out of this town & meet some people. better people. i stayed for you people. and you only made me want to leave.

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