“what do you believe in?”

“What do you believe in?”

I don’t know what I believe in.  I don’t know who I believe in. I believe firmly that a higher and stronger power exists. That is evident. I know that someone saved me for a reason. What that reason is, I have yet to find out.

                Questions, questions, questions. My mind races with nothing but questions. Why her? Why me? Why did I survive? What did she do to die? What’d I do to lose her? Why did this happen to me at age sixteen? I wish I’d had one more chance to say goodbye or to tell her I wish I’d gone up with her too. Things have not been the same, and will never go back to what they were. All I have are memories. Blurry, clouded memories of her and I. I hope all is well in Heaven and I can make it through another year. The pain, the unending pain from that day, still exists. It troubles my days and prevents me from moving on. I’m not the same without you. I still can’t believe you’re gone.

                The term ‘faith’ brings me comfort. Everyone has faith in something. To me, faith is believing without seeing. But what happens when that isn’t enough proof? I have been looking for proof my entire life of this alternate being that will somehow grant me a new life after death. I’d like to believe that if I am not hurting myself or others, sin isn’t being committed. When tragedy strikes, the pain is softened with faith. It ultimately helps to believe in something or someone. It eased my pain and depression to have God to lean on. He made my troubles seem less large. He did this for about a year after losing Tara. But as reality sets in, I’m constantly looking for something to distract me from life. So, God, what am I to do? What am I supposed to do with my life? I think that eventually I’ll find the path I’m supposed to take. I’ll pick the right path with full sincerity. I will know that it’s where I’m destined to be. But until then, dedication seems to be the problem. Until I can dedicate my entire self to God, I won’t have my answers.

                This also brings up the topic of Heaven. Does the Heaven described in the Bible, exist? Is Heaven a gold gated sanctuary in the clouds? I think that Heaven is just a state of contentment. In Heaven, I will be at constant peace. No troubles, no bad people. Everything will be right. My body will be cremated, but my soul will be in Heaven. No set place, no set location. I will be happy. I will be content. I will be at peace. I’m sure the view from Heaven beats the hell out of the view here.


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