Realizing you’re not the person you designed in your own head, is deafening. It’s the deafening silence of self clarity. It’s the moment of clarity that no one wants to believe. I didn’t think the small, daily, trivial choices would follow me around constantly; or plague my head.
I remember small flashbacks of moments that I would change, if given the chance. I remember all those small moments that never mattered to you. I remember how it felt to have no control of my life. I had lost every bit of strength that I ever worked for. I lost the values that I wanted to have.
This woman, in front of my mirror, is not the woman I wanted to become.
I can’t help but realize that I was not at all who I intended to be, and that I let you effect that. The girl who was sure of everything, is now the lost woman. I don’t blame you. Choice is choice. But had I known the repercussions, I never would’ve let you touch the core of my growing. Had I known that you’d be as fleeting as the rain, I could’ve prepared myself. But that’s learning, right?
LEARNING. What a concept.
I’ve learned to move on. The world moves on whether you want it to, or not. People move on, whether you want them to or not. While I have always known that everyone leaves, the reality never hit; until it hit home. This concept has always occurred in my life, and I have made peace with this.
I’ve learned to keep going. There will not always be someone there to wipe the tears. The tears will keep coming. Make peace with this, for it will only hurt more when you stop moving on, and lose the ability to do so.
I’ve learned that those you hold dear, will never feel the same way as you feel. I’ve learned to trust myself and myself only;
Yet, I have not made peace with the monster inside of me.
She destroys anything good. She can only survive while there is turmoil, and only creates turmoil. She lives off of manipulation and self-hate. She constantly convinces me that I cannot move on without anyone else. She sends the brain into a whirlwind of self doubt and question. And the thing she’s best at? Well, that’s telling me that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough.