Those nasty what-ifs

What if it never changed. What if she never left. What if you never gave her a reason to?

June 21, 2016, I set out to start a whole new life. That was 511 days ago.

December 19, 2016, I visited home for my final time. That was 329 days ago.

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The Monster grows.

The monster is back.

She hid behind the walls. She was weakened, but she never died. I was able to destroy enough of her to build the walls around me. While those walls were built, they were built faulty. Weak, and crumble to the touch. And that was fine for a while- I did not allow anyone to touch them. Then, I got too comfortable. I let them touch my walls at their weakest points. The foundation began to crumble, and the paint turned to dust. The Monster was strong again, and saw an opening. She crept back in without me knowing it.

Her manipulation of my entire being is entirely calculated, and predictable while familiar. But it’s like a storm; I can predict what’s coming, but I am handicapped from stopping it.

First, she twists my insides until I can’t breathe. Like a screwdriver tightening nuts and bolts, until there’s a stuck fastener. She tightens the bolt more and more. But any attempt to tighten it further is accompanied by a significant deformation; until it breaks. Sometimes, my heart beats so fast I think it may explode. With every screwdriver tighten, the pressure builds. It strips off the little bits of the bolt that hold everything together. The bolt starts to turn to fragments of metal dust and ash.

The very bits of metal that helped hold those walls together, goes away. First the walls fell down, then they actually disintegrate into nothing.

Once she has destroyed the walls around the most important, vital parts of me, she develops this hunger. This hunger feeds off of what the walls protected.

She knows the most vulnerable parts of me. The fear, the self loathing, the curiosity of all the what-ifs, the paranoia, the sadness, the disappointments, the desires, and all the dusty skeletons that I thought were gone.

She never dies. Sometimes she waits for openings. But she never dies. I’ve never felt so powerless against myself. 

 

 

“We all love. We all hurt. Nothing lasts.”

Meaning;

Meaning is never constant. Meaning is always changing. The things I put meaning into, the people that meant so much- all of it- all of it has changed.

Those things, those people, they have changed. But mostly- I’ve changed.

You can always put meaning into things. You can put hope into small pieces of everything. You can put a little, a lot, and so many different things and feelings in- but it starts with YOU.

The power I give everything and everyone, has so much hold over me. The subconscious power I place is almost involuntary, it seems. 

Before I know it, my entire being is overtaken and I’ve lost control. The part I do not understand, is while I feel it happening, I cannot and do not stop it.

I’m not sure if it’s to be reminded I can still feel- or if it’s an addiction. Like a drug, this takes over me. It blurs my thoughts and becomes the only thing I want, and believe that I need. It feels like my heart is in charge of my brain, as I cannot turn off these wanting feelings. And like an addiction, this is toxic to my growth. 

Toxins. The alcohol I cannot seem to stop drinking. The company I cannot seem to stop seeking. The feelings that I cannot mute. I rid myself of these drugs, and they find their way back only to take different form.  

 

Fight, Flight, or Freeze-

“Whenever someone is faced with a major trauma; they have the ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ response. They either fight their way out of it. Run away from it. Or freeze. And if prior trauma has accumulated then most likely the reaction woud be to freeze.”

I froze. I didn’t know what else to do.

The bad followed me. It followed me home. It followed me everywhere.

And I learned my lesson.

The next time, I chose flight.

I ran away. And I didn’t look back. I ran away from the bad. And it’s still there.

I finally learned the rest of the lessons.

This time- I fought. I fought the bad away. And I fought to keep it away.

Axis

I think what hurts the most is that the earth just kept spinning after I left.

It wasn’t changed. It wasn’t slowed. It didn’t even change its pace. It just kept spinning.

My axis broke. My entire world broke off, and rolled away. I couldn’t reach it for months. And when I finally did- it had changed entirely. Almost beyond repair.

But somehow, I created a new world with some skeletons.