I really didn’t see it coming.

I remember it perfectly. I remember my stomach dropping, as I walked through campus. I remember that pain in my chest as if it were happening as I type this.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to remain my composure as my whole plan, my whole dream, my whole future, fell apart right in my hands without my control.

Then the feeling of anger came almost immediately. I had just spilled my soul to you the week before. After searching for a different home with someone else, I had finally come back to you. And you knew that.

Well, here is a promise to myself that I cannot break.

I promise to never measure my worth based off of someone’s love for me. I promise to continue being the woman I am meant to be. I am so proud of her, and will not go back. I promise to myself I will never love anyone as much as I loved you. That love gave you full control of my entire being. And I refuse to ever do that again.

I’m so sorry for my mistakes. But I have learned, and have grown. And I will never feel sorry for myself again. You’ve taught me how to grow.

But you’ve also taught me to love nothing. And for that, I will never forgive.


The Art of Growing


the idea lives on.

I don’t know why I thought I was owed something radically radiant.

I swore I earned it. I swore I deserved it. But then it all fell to pieces, right in front of my eyes.

There was only one thing left to do; and that was to leave everything I knew.

While this was the toughest, and hardest challenge, I had no choice.

I don’t even recognize myself, anymore. And damn, it feels good.

To the Guy Who Wasn’t Ready



Day One

Self love, is the best kind of love.”

Today, I learned how to love my scars.

Every day, for 8 years, I look into the mirror. I see the scar on my face that has been healed. I see the scar on my stomach that has been healed. I see the scar on my leg that has been healed.

“Healed” is a funny thing. They are healed, then created into scars. Yet, when I see them, I feel completely torn open again. I am reminded of all of the mistakes from my past. Not just from that day, but every day. I am reminded that I am covered in scars. Scars from bad memories.

But the thing I most desire, is to see these scars, and to love them. Love them for the lessons I’ve learned, the people I’ve lost, and all the growing I’ve done since that day.

It still feels as if I’m 16. Trapped inside myself. My thoughts trapped in my head, my emotions trapped in my body. The familiar feelings of emptiness still creep back, almost daily.

But today, starting today, I am learning to love these scars. I’m learning to live again.

“I, Myself, am made entirely of flaws, stitched together with good intentions.” 

It’s been five long years since I have posted. So many things have changed, internally and externally.

I have been faced with so many challenges and inner conflict that I find it difficult to express in words. These words are one of the only links I have to myself, anymore. I seem to have lost myself entirely. And with that, I’m still not quite sure who I am, who I want to be, or how I feel.

I want to learn how to love myself. This has been the greatest challenge of any- learning how to love who I am, and my own skin. There are things I know to be certain, and these things help me to grow the best I can. I know my worth. I know that taking what you get, and taking what you deserve, can be two very different things. And with learning that, I am teaching myself to never settle for any less than I believe I deserve. The learning curve is rough, challenging and one of the scariest things I have experienced yet- but I’m learning.

I’m still not quite sure how to arrange my words. All of these thoughts, and realizations, constantly spin around the inside of my head begging to be heard. But I still can’t seem to make sense of them. But I don’t want to waste them anymore. I have something valuable to say. If not for anyone, but for myself.

So here is my pledge. My promise to myself. I will start writing my thoughts down as to not only escape, but to maybe start to understand them. You can’t win if you never play, right?


“The greatest battle is not physical but psychological. The demons telling us to give up when we push ourselves to the limit can never be silenced for good. They must always be answered by the quiet but steady dignity that simply refuses to give in. Courage. We all suffer. Keep going.”

– Graeme Fife

raise your glass.

raise your glass to the girl who conquered the world.

for the first time in my life, i know what i want. i want exactly what i have right now to keep going. i am so perfectly content. happy, if you will. i can’t think of complaints.

I finally feel free. I don’t know what i want yet, but that’s okay. in time, i’ll find it. it’s good to know that i can be happy with just myself independently. 

as for you. as for the past. you are my history. you no longer exist to me. i wish you luck, but not really. i should want to be mature and wish you the best with your life and that maybe you’ll find that it’s okay to be who you are, but i don’t. for all the pain you put me through, you are nothing. you are no one. and i hope you stay that way.

i am having some of the best times of my life. i am me. i am perfect the way i am. i can’t say i know who i am just  yet. but i’m figuring it out finally. she would be so proud of me.