Clarity.

Realizing you’re not the person you designed in your own head, is deafening. It’s the deafening silence of self clarity. It’s the moment of clarity that no one wants to believe. I didn’t think the small, daily, trivial choices would follow me around constantly; or plague my head.

I remember small flashbacks of moments that I would change, if given the chance. I remember all those small moments that never mattered to you. I remember how it felt to have no control of my life. I had lost every bit of strength that I ever worked for. I lost the values that I wanted to have.

This woman, in front of my mirror, is not the woman I wanted to become.

I can’t help but realize that I was not at all who I intended to be, and that I let you effect that. The girl who was sure of everything, is now the lost woman. I don’t blame you. Choice is choice. But had I known the repercussions, I never would’ve let you touch the core of my growing. Had I known that you’d be as fleeting as the rain, I could’ve prepared myself. But that’s learning, right?

LEARNING. What a concept.

I’ve learned to move on. The world moves on whether you want it to, or not. People move on, whether you want them to or not. While I have always known that everyone leaves, the reality never hit; until it hit home. This concept has always occurred in my life, and I have made peace with this.

I’ve learned to keep going. There will not always be someone there to wipe the tears. The tears will keep coming. Make peace with this, for it will only hurt more when you stop moving on, and lose the ability to do so.

I’ve learned that those you hold dear, will never feel the same way as you feel. I’ve learned to trust myself and myself only;

Yet, I have not made peace with the monster inside of me.

She destroys anything good. She can only survive while there is turmoil, and only creates turmoil. She lives off of manipulation and self-hate. She constantly convinces me that I cannot move on without anyone else. She sends the brain into a whirlwind of self doubt and question. And the thing she’s best at? Well, that’s telling me that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough.

 

 

I know where you’re going-and I see where you’ve been.

Patience is a virtue and mine with you, is wearing thin.

It’s easy to sit and wait;

speak with words you’ve stolen from better men than you.

Doors, they help to open;

in time, will cease to let you through.

Is it easy to stand and sigh?

…bid another friend goodbye.

Lights can shine too bright here; so nobody can see.

Hide safe behind your light, dear, but understand it will not blind me.

I know it will do no good- I would hurt you if I could.

The Staves- Tongue Behind My Teeth

What have I done?

As I continue to ask myself, “What did I do to deserve this?!”,

I think I’ve figured out.

I found out that even when I am 100% honest and true, it truly doesn’t matter.

I’ll take the high road. I’ll pretend it doesn’t hurt that bad.

Then I realized that pretending It doesn’t hurt- has taken the hurt to a different place. It doesn’t hurt as bad anymore. I have waited my entire life for this moment.

But why do I feel so empty?

I’ve lost myself. I’ve lost that giant heart of mine. It has grown and turned into this monster that I hate. I hate her. I hate what she has to say to me. I hate what she does. I hate this person with every fiber of my being.

But at least the monster feeds off of pain. And I’d say that’s a hell of a lot better than feeding off of my own sadness;

Just Two Lost Souls Swimming in a Fish Bowl.

As I sit here, and try to remember the reasons I left, that voice in my head

keeps saying, “You know why you left.”

I know why. and I keep pretending I don’t.

I was existing off of memories. I was justifying things to myself that I didn’t mean. I could only remember the good things, and convinced myself it was meant to be.

On paper, you were the one. In my heart, I knew you weren’t. I don’t know for how long, but we both knew. We both hoped it could be, but knew we both weren’t strong enough for that. Forever is a hard thing to think about.

But you know what’s easy?

Being comfortable and afraid of change.

I let you into my comfort zone, and you betrayed it. But you left

such a lasting impression, that I didn’t want to let go.

I have let go. I have let go of you. But it doesn’t matter to you. and I cannot change that.

I realized our love was that of a mapped out plan, put together with sense and good intentions.

I have never done this before. I have never given my

whole soul and body to someone. Nor, have I trusted anyone with

my heart. and I did with you. I don’t know how to be your friend. But

it’s so much better than the silence. The silence is so deafening.

I need a sign that tells me that I did not, in fact, forfeit my future, and waste

my heart.

For that; that is the worst part of the whole thing. Not the new me;

But that you may never touch that part of your heart, my part, ever again, and leave it with the person who touched it.

For I cannot live with the notion that I was just a learning experience. I deserve more than that

And at one point, you believed I deserved the same.

Winter Trees – The Staves

Torn apart and tired of it all. This is for you.

The Staves-Winter Trees

White winter trees, Covered in snow
I don’t mind
I don’t mind
I think of you now
Here in the cold
You won’t mind
You won’t know

But I never meant to say
Any of those things
Oh I never meant to tell you how
To be or how to think
Oh I was wrong

Heavy of heart
Weary of soul
You won’t mind
You won’t mind
I think of him now
Fathoms below
You won’t mind
You won’t know

But I never meant to say
Any of those things
Words can sound so cruel
When you speak before you think
Oh I was wrong

But you didn’t understand
That my heart was in your hands
You were so blind
Blind

I promised you that I’d never let you down
Oh but I couldn’t love you any less than now
And I promised you that I’d never let you down
Oh but I couldn’t love you any less than I do now

And I lost myself on that November night
White winter trees
Covered in snow
I don’t mind