Fight, Flight, or Freeze-

“Whenever someone is faced with a major trauma; they have the ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ response. They either fight their way out of it. Run away from it. Or freeze. And if prior trauma has accumulated then most likely the reaction woud be to freeze.”

I froze. I didn’t know what else to do.

The bad followed me. It followed me home. It followed me everywhere.

And I learned my lesson.

The next time, I chose flight.

I ran away. And I didn’t look back. I ran away from the bad. And it’s still there.

I finally learned the rest of the lessons.

This time- I fought. I fought the bad away. And I fought to keep it away.

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Axis

I think what hurts the most is that the earth just kept spinning after I left.

It wasn’t changed. It wasn’t slowed. It didn’t even change its pace. It just kept spinning.

My axis broke. My entire world broke off, and rolled away. I couldn’t reach it for months. And when I finally did- it had changed entirely. Almost beyond repair.

But somehow, I created a new world with some skeletons.

Clarity.

Realizing you’re not the person you designed in your own head, is deafening. It’s the deafening silence of self clarity. It’s the moment of clarity that no one wants to believe. I didn’t think the small, daily, trivial choices would follow me around constantly; or plague my head.

I remember small flashbacks of moments that I would change, if given the chance. I remember all those small moments that never mattered to you. I remember how it felt to have no control of my life. I had lost every bit of strength that I ever worked for. I lost the values that I wanted to have.

This woman, in front of my mirror, is not the woman I wanted to become.

I can’t help but realize that I was not at all who I intended to be, and that I let you effect that. The girl who was sure of everything, is now the lost woman. I don’t blame you. Choice is choice. But had I known the repercussions, I never would’ve let you touch the core of my growing. Had I known that you’d be as fleeting as the rain, I could’ve prepared myself. But that’s learning, right?

LEARNING. What a concept.

I’ve learned to move on. The world moves on whether you want it to, or not. People move on, whether you want them to or not. While I have always known that everyone leaves, the reality never hit; until it hit home. This concept has always occurred in my life, and I have made peace with this.

I’ve learned to keep going. There will not always be someone there to wipe the tears. The tears will keep coming. Make peace with this, for it will only hurt more when you stop moving on, and lose the ability to do so.

I’ve learned that those you hold dear, will never feel the same way as you feel. I’ve learned to trust myself and myself only;

Yet, I have not made peace with the monster inside of me.

She destroys anything good. She can only survive while there is turmoil, and only creates turmoil. She lives off of manipulation and self-hate. She constantly convinces me that I cannot move on without anyone else. She sends the brain into a whirlwind of self doubt and question. And the thing she’s best at? Well, that’s telling me that no matter what I do, I will never be good enough.

 

 

I know where you’re going-and I see where you’ve been.

Patience is a virtue and mine with you, is wearing thin.

It’s easy to sit and wait;

speak with words you’ve stolen from better men than you.

Doors, they help to open;

in time, will cease to let you through.

Is it easy to stand and sigh?

…bid another friend goodbye.

Lights can shine too bright here; so nobody can see.

Hide safe behind your light, dear, but understand it will not blind me.

I know it will do no good- I would hurt you if I could.

The Staves- Tongue Behind My Teeth